Refined

I knew it would happen.  I knew it was happening.  


And now it has happened.


In the blink of an eye, a year has passed and my baby girl is now one.


But even though I knew that it would and was happening, I still find myself in utter disbelief that it has actually happened.


A year has gone by.


It's hard to find the right words to sum up my thoughts and emotions about this occasion and the happenings from the past year.


In many ways, when I look at the past year, nothing has changed substantially (the most noticeable unchanged thing being my figure!).  And yet at the same time, so much has changed.


A year ago, I was a stay home mother trying to build a faith filled and loving home for my husband and small children.  


Today, I am still a stay home mother trying, even more desperately it seems at times, to build a faith filled, happy home for my family.  


That has not changed.  


But I have.  


While my husband or parents or those who see me on a day to day basis might beg to differ, I believe that I have grown and changed, for the better, during the past year.


I've changed not because I figured motherhood out during this past year.  Quite the contrary!  I've grown because I've allowed my idea of motherhood to change; thereby changing me in the process.  Fit by fit, struggle by struggle, sleepless night by sleepless night, motherhood has refined me this year.  It is refining me.  I have a very, very long way to go, but if I had to sum up what this past year has been about for me, that would be it.  Refinement of my soul, my heart, my spirit.


I adore babies.  I've written before about my intense desire to hold on to every stage of babyhood for fear of it slipping through my fingers much too quickly.  And while I did my level best to relish in the sweetness that having a baby in my home brought me this past year, I must be realistic in sharing that the past year was tough.  Molly's arrival was a much bigger adjustment than I had anticipated.  She was not the laid back, easy going baby I told myself she would be before her birth.  On the contrary, she spent much of her first year of life unhappy.  And her unhappiness made our life quite difficult at times.  Her needs were many as were the needs of my other small children.  


And so while I did not get motherhood figured out during the struggles that seemed to permeate our household on a daily basis this past year, what I did figure out is that I could allow the struggles, disappointments, frustrations, and the weariness of life to refine me and make me holy.


I figured out that, much to my dismay, motherhood is not supposed to be fun all the time.  I am not supposed to get to take a shower everyday or have time to keep up with the things that that I want to do.  Everyday is not supposed to be a carefree day filled with picnics and trips to the park.  I am not supposed to be the captain of a ship that sails through smooth and calm waters everyday.  Because is it is the rough waters that can, if I allow them to, refine me and make me better.  Because motherhood is my vocation, the only thing that it is supposed to do is make me holy.  And to become holy, I have to learn to die to self.


I die to self every night that I sleep, interrupted in 2-3 hour segments.
I die to self when I slave over a meal that my children refuse to eat.
I die to self when I clean up potty messes and food strewn all over the floor.
I die to self when I choose to read books instead of catch up on email.
I die to self when I change diapers, wash clothes, and clean dishes.
I die to self when I give up my own selfish desires... whether they are a shower, cute clothes, a fit figure, a clean house, ironed clothes, painted toes, organized pictures, completed scrapbooks, or a tidy and well decorated home.


I die to self when I serve others first.


And that is what motherhood is really all about. 


And as hard as it is, I am learning to appreciate the toughness because it affords me an opportunity to become more holy, to grow in virtue, and to become the kind of person I hope and pray I am raising my children to become!

So for every delight (snuggly baby hugs, first steps, tutus and hair bows, sibling love, first words, tiny toes) I've enjoyed during this past year, I've also endured numerous struggles.  It took me 3 children and a year of ups and downs to realize that' s how it should be and will be.  And it has been in just the very past few weeks that I have learned that I can appreciate and use both the joys and the struggles to continue to refine me.  


I have a long way to go.  A long way.  


But thankfully, I am certain of one thing.  I will have many more daily opportunities to continue to grow, to become better, to be refined and be made holy!


And after a year of refining, Miss Molly has grown too!  


She is now a very happy one year old baby girl who I adore more and more with each passing moment!

 Thank you, Lord, for giving me Molly.

For it has been through her, that you have allowed me to see what you desire motherhood to be.  It is through her, that you have allowed me to see my selfish nature.  And it is through her that you have continued the process of transforming my heart and refining my spirit.

I am forever grateful for the duty you have entrusted to me... 

to raise three of your children to know, love and serve you.  To teach them to be holy while you give me the opportunities and wisdom to become holy through them.

Amen.